When properly executed, a flicked quarter can do significant damage to national mainstays.

Ask any common American how much a dollar bill is worth, and he will look at you grimly and say, “Not enough.” He couldn’t be further from the truth. Ever wonder why we think that money has its value? Think with reason for a second. The Fed has to make money viable, so instead of making it worth as much as it’s said to be (thereby making our money universally accepted without the need for military reassurance in other countries), they make it out of cheaper goods. Think of the crappiest metal you can think of (besides the band Kittie). Right! Copper and nickel!

One night, I decided to have this wonderful plan, that now since I am writing about it, it will be useless for me to do, because someone else will read this and do it before I have the chance to get off of my sorry ass and do it, thereby taking all of the credit for the at away from me. I wanted to go around the entire city with several rolls of nickels. I would stop at each bank in the entire city except for those of one particular chain; probably Bank One, because they run a goddamn monopoly on all of the ATM’s out here and cause a massive deficit in my wallet when I want some money. Fuck, even money costs money!

Anyways, I was going to go through all of the “Drive Thru’s” and put a nickel in the canister and send it up. Then, I would calmly drive away. In confusion, the teller would open up the canister and see a nickel. I figured, if it were a penny, she would KNOW it’s a prank. If it were a nickel, she wouldn’t be so sure! Somehow, a nickel carries more worth than the five pennies that it represents! Shit, it’s SHINY! If I did this to every bank but Bank One banks, I would have hit a lot of banks in Milwaukee; so many, in fact, that it would be likely that at least one teller affected by this experiment would know another outside of work. Then, they get to talking:

Teller 1: “What’s this nickel all about, Ethel?”
Teller 2: “Is it a prank?”
Teller 1: “No, it’s a cry for help!”
Teller 2: “Same thing.”

So I did it. I baffled people who will tell everyone about this strange nickel. Eventually, news would be made. Everyone will be stunned. Then, the real fun kicks in.

Bank One teller: “Hey, where’s OUR nickel? Why does EVERY other bank get one but us?”
Me: “You don’t GET one, you GREEDY FUCK! Haven’t you taken enough?”

This made me think for a while. “I wonder what nickels are made of that makes them so awesome?” What follows is an amazingly accurate approximation taken from various sources and hodgepodged into a table that people will likely reference without scholarly criticism. Lazy asses.

Coin Composition Actual Worth Penny 0.06g Cu 2.44g Zn 0.30 cents Nickel 1.25g Ni 3.75g Cu 1.64 cents Dime 0.19g Ni 2.078g Cu 0.50 cents Quarter 0.47g Ni 5.2g Cu 1.26 cents Half-Dollar 0.94g Ni 10.4g Cu 2.52 cents Dollar 1.01g Ni 7.09g Cu 2.01 cents That Golden Indian Dollar Thing That No Machine on Earth Thinks is Money 7.19g Cu 0.49g Zn 0.28g Mn 0.14 Ni 1.54 cents

That’s right, nickels are worth a whole 1.64 cents! They are worth more than dimes, quarters, and that collector’s dollar that everyone thinks is worth more than what is clearly printed on the coin itself. This is according to the actual worth of the metals that they are composed of. If nickels are worth so much, you ought to buy them as soon as possible for maximum resale value! Dummy! They’re still worthless! It’s a good thing that money is worth as much as we believe it is. That’s a fairy tale. It works if we only believe? Like what, Miss Cleo? Oops, I just killed the economy!

So what good is money if it’s not worth much? I’ll tell you what! I’ve divided money into several categories! Flingability: How it hits when you clear a few tables and pop some kid in the melon for running around in circles and making himself look like a tasty target. Hey, he was sending the wrong signals! Wishing Well Vortex: Yeah, you know what I’m talking about. Grab it halfway and do it again! General Utility: What they can do for you! Remember, none of those pieces of crap are even magnetic! Five Star Rating (Overall): How does it stack up?

Pennies

Flingability: They move at a decent pace. Because you can get so many for such a low cost, they fly like bandits and sting like being flicked in the ear. Not too bad.
Wishing Well Vortex: Too light. They tumble, sometimes, and they just don’t make a very cool sound. I wouldn’t recommend it except in dozens. Then it’s like that hyper drive thing in sci-fi movies. You know what I’m talking about? You fucking nerd.
General Utility: No way. What a useless piece of crap. Dan tells me that they can be used as conductors, but so can the elderly, so screw him. Pennies just sit there on the ground, waiting to be taken home like a crack-baby crying in a dumpster. No one wants them, and if someone at a restaurant even included one amongst several dollars in my tip, I would fucking beat the living crap out of my customers like Meat Loaf in any movie he’s starred in.
Five Star Rating: ½*.


Nickels

Flingability: POW! That’s what you’re gonna hear, followed by a “THUD!” Drops mothafuckas like flies.
Wishing Well Vortex: Watching this thing move isn’t as cool as hearing it. The harrowing, whirring sound it makes can bring back flashbacks to Vietnam vet Uncle Jeff.
General Utility: Not too much else in the utility part here. As dense as they are, it’s great to see them drop from high buildings, and crush the cement below. Plus there’s that cool prank you can do… think of how happy you could make me…think of the children…
Five Star Rating: 5*. It doesn’t get any better than this, folks. It’s worth almost 1/3 its weight in actual nickel, and it’s shinier than Ol’ Dirty Bastard’s teeth. What’s not to love?


Dimes

Flingability: Why even bother? What do you have to gain by trying to fling something as light as Sarah Michelle Geller? At least Buffy would come running back to you afterwards.
Wishing Well Vortex: Drop. Plop. Whatever. You just wasted ten cents, Lumpy.
General Utility: You can use them to unscrew flathead screws. One time I dissembled an entire desk with a dime and a couple of hours of no one looking. You can also pick your nails with them.
Five Star Rating: 2 ½*. You gotta give it up for its utility purposes. Dimes are worth it for that alone.

These cleverly disguised particle colliders are all the rave at charity functions. Go warheads, go!

Quarters

Flingability: Whip, THUMP! If you can get these things in the air, they bruise. Just big and dense enough, and with the serrated edges that nickels don’t have.
Wishing Well Vortex: Holy shit! The APOCOLYPSE IS COMING!!! WAR OF THE FUCKING WORLDS!!!!
General Utility: I don’t know of many things you can do with a quarter that other coins cannot do. So there.
Five Star Rating: I guess that this piece of coinage doesn’t do too much. It sounds really cool in a wishing well, but unless you saved your first dime and have a money pit, why should you bother? I mean, that’s like, $57.25 a pop, if you’re as compulsive as me. Then again, remember that episode of the Simpsons where Lisa had that experiment with the cupcake? The one where Bart would get a shock every time he touched it? I would continue where he stopped. I fucking swear I would. 2*


Half-Dollars

Flingability: What are you, kidding? The last time someone tried to throw one of these things, they got carpal tunnel syndrome! It’s like the jerk reaction from these things are enough to make you want to put some shock absorbers in your arms.
Wishing Well Vortex: Does it fit? You’re gonna have to cram it in with some butter or something. I prefer the Country Crock spread myself, because then you can get a really big tub of it, and still have enough to lube up someone’s car door handles. The well will eventually look like you just fit most of Marlon Brando through it, but it will get the job done.
General Utility: Paper weight. I guess if you leave one of these for the kids when they lose a tooth, they’ll be happier than if you left two quarters, because Half-dollars have more hit points.
Five Star Rating: Generally, not too bad of an invention. I would have made it, eventually, if I ruled the world. Of course, I would have made Spam, too. Spam wouldn’t have been food, though; it would have been a sexual enhancement product. 3*


Dollars

Flingability: I had one of these once. I never flung it, though, so I guess this goes untested. It was pretty heavy, so I can bet that you’d be stupid twice-fold if you happened to launch one. First of all, I just told you not to crack one of those Half-dollars. Second of all, IT’S A F***ING DOLLAR!!! Why would you throw one of THOSE away? I would say to you, “Get your hands out of the box of Honey Bunches of Dumb!”
Wishing Well Vortex: Getting rid of that dollar? You might as Well give it to me, and I’ll grant whatever wish you have in mind. Except for that.
General Utility: You can hold on to it. You can spend it. I wouldn’t, because they’re so cool. You can show it off, and make fun of everyone else that doesn’t have one. You could then start your own club, which would escalate into a non-profit organization. Eventually, with all of these members, you could start a Silver Dollar Army, which would be quietly suppressed by the government, which would then acquire all of the money back. This vicious circle would continue on, eliminating everyone in the country, leaving a mindless, drone, mundane nation who would never dare to speak up for his or her rights for fear of death.
Five Star Rating: If I were in the Silver Dollar Army, I would be a General. That would be 1*.


Gold-Type-Indian-Dollar-Thing

One time I tried to peel back the foil to eat the chocolate. Don't try that with your teeth.

Flingability: You can fling it, but then that’s a whole dollar you’re flinging. The person who gets stung will look at it, and go, “Oooo, that’s a dollar! Thanks, man! Yoink!” Not only have you wasted a dollar on someone, but also they don’t even care that you accosted them. What is the point?
Wishing Well Vortex: Never did it. Don’t like the shit-for-coin things to begin with.
General Utility: You can… You can… give them… or throw them… or… I really don’t know of what to do with them. So instead, I’d like to offer the possibility that the US Mint as a deliberate attack on Native Americans in fact planned their uselessness. To commemorate the fact that Native Americans were the efficient workers of this land several centuries before Whities stood on their backs with baseball cleats and took all the credit, we could have placed a famous face on our regular money that we use from day to day. It wouldn’t hurt; other countries change their money’s look all of the time, and no one seems to notice by any means except positively. Instead, we decided to put a Native American’s face on a coin that we can use in almost NO automated machine and almost no child will ever accept the worth of. I have four of them, and I have yet to spend them since my birthday of last year. I feel almost embarrassed attempting to pay for something with them. It’s like someone is going to look up and say, “Oh, you’re buying this with gift money!” I’d like to return the gift while sticking the giver’s eyes out with a branch of poison oak on fire. That would make me a satisfied customer.
Five Star Rating: Something had to get no stars, or there wouldn’t be a curve, would there?


This rating system should help in times when you need to determine denominations of coinage for your banking system. I prefer paper, myself, because cheap metals are outdated, but some people enjoy the pleasures of plastic, altogether. It would be a shame if people started taking people at their worth, because then you could just deny one’s existence altogether. “I’m sorry sir, but I heard you slept around on your wife last week. I won’t take your credit, today, loser!” It’s all about trust. Trust that the majority never opens their eyes.